I transitioned 7 years ago
I think the biggest hurdle for me has been the gap between me, and other folk my age. There is something different that I struggle with with most trans folk my age. It seems quite normal for the community to be very binary and sort of “transmed lite”. And I can’t cope with it. I can’t make nice with folk who hold those views.
Before I transitioned, or more accurately, before I accepted that transition was really something I could do, I kept completely and utterly away from queer stuff. I knew nothing about the queer community, I didn’t play with presentation or experimentation, I didn’t secretly look at trans stories or anything like that.
Still, I had internalised transphobia, I was afraid of the word queer, and I had a very binary understanding of how gender diverse folk work, but once I actually connected with the queer community, especially those younger than me, I saw that it was so much more diverse than I had thought possible. I worked through a lot of the crap I had inherited, and found joy in my queer identity, I found joy and power in the diversity of gender diverse folk. I love that every one of our stories, whilst sharing elements, was completely unique. When asked about their gender, my own kiddo’s response is “What the fuck even is gender?” and I just think that is so powerful, because that’s what living on our own terms looks like.
Yet, the communities aimed at people of my own generation, are influenced by those who had more exposure to the norms of the queer community of yesteryear, and still hold on to some of those norms. These spaces often struggle with non binary experiences, they can struggle to accept gender diverse folk who don’t experience dysphoria, and they can be confused by folk who have pride their queerness. And it makes me feel like the odd one out…
But in terms of my transition itself? Textbook smooth. One of the advantages of transitioning later in life was that I was able to afford access to the medical transition options that I wanted. I ate in to my retirement to do it, but still, I did it. I’ve had pretty much every transition surgery a trans fem can have. I cis pass these days, but ironically, only because I chased the surgeries I thought I had to have, because that’s just what I thought I had to do. Yet one of the interesting impacts of the whole thing, is that now that I do cis pass, I struggle with feeling like I’ve lost my queerness in some way. I find myself having to talk about being trans, because if I don’t, I just end up back in a closet. A different closet to the one I spent most of my life in, but still, a closet. And I’ve got no fucking time for closets :)
Thanks for sharing your story, Ada. It’s a very interesting perspective. I never would have thought about a lot of elder queers being more “conservative”, but it makes sense. The amount of courage you had to have to make that huge leap and overcome internalized transphobia is significant!
I mean, it’s not a universal trait or anything. I’ve found folks my age that I get on great with. But the communities themselves tend to be more conservative and less diverse than I like.
I’m almost at a full year since coming out, I came out when I was just about 30, which is later than I would have liked to have, but it wasn’t until then that I was ready.
At the time, I had been in recovery for a year and was living with family and had a great job and had only just started to feel like I was getting things back together. I lived in Texas, and not one of the “purple” areas either. Because I was over 6 hours away from the nearest affordable gender affirming clinic that I could afford, and everything going on in politics, I was seriously considering going with grey market hormones just so I could get started.
I wasn’t sure when I was going to be able to move states, or when I would want to as I loved my family. I knew they’d have initial issues, but thought that the person I’d become and the love we all had would mean they’d be willing to eventually talk through their misconceptions (incorrect biblical assumptions, generic conservative propaganda, and just simply what transgender meant to me). I thought “if there ever was gonna be a safer time to do it, it’s now”.
I’ll probably make a more detailed post of how my coming out went, but in short: it went terribly. Not only that, literally the next day, we found out our company was being bought by the other competitor in town, and almost everyone was being let go.
I broke. Not just from the coming out disaster, but it felt as if the life I’d finally gotten a grasp on just vanished. On top of it all, was an overall self-imposed feeling of “running behind” in my transition and gender expression. Even early on, I knew that feeling was useless and harmful.
At the start of july, I left texas with nothing but what I could put in my car and the decision to never live another day pretending to be a man. (Spite fueled me a great deal early on)
Its not been easy, and I’ve hardly even made it that far down the road, but I can say that it was absolutely the right move and fuck caring about starting at almost the midpoint of life.
It took me a while to get to a place where I was able to get healthcare, so I’ve only been on MtF HRT for about a month, but I’ve already began to notice tiny changes happening. In fact, my tits started aching for the first time just a few days ago, and I haven’t even started progesterone or hady initial Estrogen Rx adjusted!
I’m aware that there are many out there who wish they’d started at my age and that 30 isn’t “old”, and they’re right. But I can tell you that before even coming out, I was accutely aware of the fact that Testosterone had already ripped through me and regularly struggled with thoughts that it just wasn’t worth it because I was too old. I’d be lying if I said that those thoughts were entirely gone, but they are pretty rare these days.
I could ramble on, and probably already have, but that’s been my experience so far.
That’s a lot to go through. I definitely can relate to the living in a rural red area part. I know you’ve gotta be hella strong to get through all of that and still be committed to living your truth. Cheers to one month of E!
The biggest thing I felt was regret, from not having transitioned earlier.
I don’t think I’m as passable as a cis woman, though I do put a bit of effort into my appearance. I’m definitely passable as a trans woman, in the sense that even when I wear gender neutral clothing people can tell I’m a woman.
It’s nice that I live in a place where it’s enough merely to pass as a trans woman. If I lived in the south of the US, that wouldn’t be enough. I’d have to be stealth. I could probably be more passable if I got voice surgery or something.
It’s good you’re able to be out and proud. Cheers to your transition!
I started transition at 32 (3 ish years ago) and it’s been the best gift I’ve ever given myself. I honestly can’t fathom how I lived before. No surgery, just a few years of HRT and lasers, but this is truly the best possible life to have.
But what’s interesting is that I don’t really… “feel trans” anymore? I don’t get misgendered by strangers or on the phone, I have random dudes hit on me at the bar. I remember what it was like when I didn’t pass, where people would stare. But idk, not anymore. Now I’m just some random lady at the grocery store.
How do you feel about that? I expected to like it, but I really don’t…
Guilty but… zen? I mean you go to any support group and you’ll hear a bunch of girls wishing they could pass. And I felt I had to stop going to those meetings because who exactly wants me to say “you are valid, passing doesn’t mean everything” to a girl who is facing regular harassment. Feels like a billionaire saying “money isn’t everything” ya’know?
But at the same time, I can just live my life now. A life I didn’t think I could ever get to in my egg cracking days. I look in the mirror and smile everyday. Of course I have my bad days, but… life is good.
How are you feeling with this? Where were your expectations?
I had the same experience with meetings and spaces. I find that online, I can talk about my struggles with loss of queer identity more freely than I can in person.
How are you feeling with this? Where were your expectations?
It was my life long dream that I never ever thought I’d achieve. And then I achieved it, and it for the first little while, I refused to believe I had achieved it, because I couldn’t truly see myself in the mirror. Strangers could, but it took me a while to believe them. And then it was good for a while, but I started to notice the distance in the community. Because I was cis passing, it became hard to talk openly about anything I was struggling with, because for many folks, I had achieved the single goal they wanted to achieve, and whatever I was struggling with was small compared to that privilege. And I started to feel that distance and loss of queerness.
And I realised just how strongly I value my community. I care about fitting in with the queer community far more than I care about fitting in with cishet society.
These days, I’m basically disconnected from offline queer communities, and I still feel that loss. I think I’m probably always going to feel it…
What is your definition of later?
Not the OP, but I feel safe in suggesting that he’d be happy for the people replying to decide for themselves if their experiences are relevant to the question :)
Yup!
Well I haven’t transitioned yet, past-tense, but I started at age 36-37, which I consider “later.” Today is my third anniversary of beginning estrogen! <3
My egg cracking process really spanned a decade as my identity evolved into who I am now. One of my earliest experiences was modeling an online avatar of myself, with some of my physical characteristics (tall, thin, blonde) but using a feminine body as the base. It really helped me think about myself and my future in a new way.
I’m much more confident at this age than I ever was in my teens or twenties. Simply put, I could never have transitioned any sooner than I did. The confidence really helps lift me above the dysphoria, doubts, and fears of discrimination.
The worst part of course was having to experience puberty and it’s slow fallout, now being mostly irreversible changes. And part of me mourns the years I will never have as a young girl, teenager, etc. I’m making peace with that, and exploring a pseudo-girlhood of sorts.
It’s sometimes difficult balancing the responsibilites and expectations of adulthood with the need to explore, learn, and develop into my true gender, which might seem more fitting in childhood.
Thankfully I’m not under anybody’s thumb now, and I’m building a support network around me. I only connect with people who respect me and my identity. No time for the haters.
I started transitioning in my 30s. I took YEARS before I ever came out to family/most of my friends. I took my time because I have kids and I didn’t want to rush anything. (Also, I had to build up the courage to come out haha). During the years of me socially transitioning I started updating my wardrobe to be more andro, started growing my hair out, practicing light makeup occasionally, etc.
After a couple years I started feeling more ready and I started coming out to friends. Felt good, felt freeing to be able to be myself around them. Then I came out to my immediate family (parents, siblings , children)- by far the hardest part. Not long after, I was out at work. I do feel that me having a head start of two years of dialing in my hormones really helped make me coming out socially that much easier. I don’t regret taking my time on the social transition!
Even after taking a coupl years before starting my social transition I knew there was more to come, and here 7 years later I do feel like I still am transitioning even though I’m passing pretty much all the time. Life is a journey, and transitioning is a long journey even when done well. No surgery or wardrobe change can make things happen overnight. I’ve enjoyed the journey and I’m excited for each year ahead as I continue 😊
