I started transition at 32 (3 ish years ago) and it’s been the best gift I’ve ever given myself. I honestly can’t fathom how I lived before. No surgery, just a few years of HRT and lasers, but this is truly the best possible life to have.
But what’s interesting is that I don’t really… “feel trans” anymore? I don’t get misgendered by strangers or on the phone, I have random dudes hit on me at the bar. I remember what it was like when I didn’t pass, where people would stare. But idk, not anymore. Now I’m just some random lady at the grocery store.
Guilty but… zen? I mean you go to any support group and you’ll hear a bunch of girls wishing they could pass. And I felt I had to stop going to those meetings because who exactly wants me to say “you are valid, passing doesn’t mean everything” to a girl who is facing regular harassment. Feels like a billionaire saying “money isn’t everything” ya’know?
But at the same time, I can just live my life now. A life I didn’t think I could ever get to in my egg cracking days. I look in the mirror and smile everyday. Of course I have my bad days, but… life is good.
How are you feeling with this? Where were your expectations?
I had the same experience with meetings and spaces. I find that online, I can talk about my struggles with loss of queer identity more freely than I can in person.
How are you feeling with this? Where were your expectations?
It was my life long dream that I never ever thought I’d achieve. And then I achieved it, and it for the first little while, I refused to believe I had achieved it, because I couldn’t truly see myself in the mirror. Strangers could, but it took me a while to believe them. And then it was good for a while, but I started to notice the distance in the community. Because I was cis passing, it became hard to talk openly about anything I was struggling with, because for many folks, I had achieved the single goal they wanted to achieve, and whatever I was struggling with was small compared to that privilege. And I started to feel that distance and loss of queerness.
And I realised just how strongly I value my community. I care about fitting in with the queer community far more than I care about fitting in with cishet society.
These days, I’m basically disconnected from offline queer communities, and I still feel that loss. I think I’m probably always going to feel it…
I started transition at 32 (3 ish years ago) and it’s been the best gift I’ve ever given myself. I honestly can’t fathom how I lived before. No surgery, just a few years of HRT and lasers, but this is truly the best possible life to have.
But what’s interesting is that I don’t really… “feel trans” anymore? I don’t get misgendered by strangers or on the phone, I have random dudes hit on me at the bar. I remember what it was like when I didn’t pass, where people would stare. But idk, not anymore. Now I’m just some random lady at the grocery store.
How do you feel about that? I expected to like it, but I really don’t…
Guilty but… zen? I mean you go to any support group and you’ll hear a bunch of girls wishing they could pass. And I felt I had to stop going to those meetings because who exactly wants me to say “you are valid, passing doesn’t mean everything” to a girl who is facing regular harassment. Feels like a billionaire saying “money isn’t everything” ya’know?
But at the same time, I can just live my life now. A life I didn’t think I could ever get to in my egg cracking days. I look in the mirror and smile everyday. Of course I have my bad days, but… life is good.
How are you feeling with this? Where were your expectations?
I had the same experience with meetings and spaces. I find that online, I can talk about my struggles with loss of queer identity more freely than I can in person.
It was my life long dream that I never ever thought I’d achieve. And then I achieved it, and it for the first little while, I refused to believe I had achieved it, because I couldn’t truly see myself in the mirror. Strangers could, but it took me a while to believe them. And then it was good for a while, but I started to notice the distance in the community. Because I was cis passing, it became hard to talk openly about anything I was struggling with, because for many folks, I had achieved the single goal they wanted to achieve, and whatever I was struggling with was small compared to that privilege. And I started to feel that distance and loss of queerness.
And I realised just how strongly I value my community. I care about fitting in with the queer community far more than I care about fitting in with cishet society.
These days, I’m basically disconnected from offline queer communities, and I still feel that loss. I think I’m probably always going to feel it…