Memes. Turns out spending an hour vibing on egg_irl makes your brain go “wait a second…”

A trans guy that came out at my workplace. He sat in the seat beside me in our office, and watching him transition is what let me understand that this is really something that I can do too.

Well, a combination of events. My son being born sent me into another identity crisis about being a “father”

This led to a relapse into addiction.

Years of therapy, marriage falling apart, suicidality and self hatred while trying to be the best parent I could be. Then one day I realized I was trying to be an ideal mother. Not father. I saw myself as a mother.

All of that boiled into finally getting the courage to Google “how to know I am trans” and I came across the Gender Dysphoria Bible which shattered my egg officially :)

Happy to say that everything in my life that was falling apart is now stronger and healthier. I’m able to love myself, my wife and I are closer than ever, I’m present with my son and am a good parent, been sober for almost 1.5 years. Been a crazy ride!

And in a couple days, I’ll be taking my first dose of E and officially starting my HRT journey ❤️

My dad died in 2022.

I remembered that I wanted to “do gender stuff” and slowly the repression faded and I remembered trying to come out ten years ago as a high school student, and remembered trying to come out a few more times, and realized just how many people had told me I’m trans and meant to be a girl. I had a therapist help me in 2021 or so, but I still couldn’t get myself to come out until he died. He was a liberal, even, not a conservative. He would’ve loved me regardless of my trans identity.

What cracked my egg as a teen? I read a fee articles mostly on wikipedia. I thought for a long time I was “20% female”, found the concept of femboys when the concept was in its infancy.

I really just needed to read a book or article or guide on how to come out as trans when I was a teenager and was vulnerable to what others thought of changes I wanted to make to myself.

Abigail Thorn’s coming out video, because it felt very similar to my own story and made me wish it was me in that video.

seeing another trans person IRL

growing up in a country that didn’t even acknowledge trans people as a thing that exists outside of “man in dress funny” type of stuff, I only learnt about it online, and it didn’t really connect with me that it was an actual option I could take until I saw someone at my school wearing a binder, it clicked at that point that yes, trans people exist. The egg shattered on that day

A friend of mine at the time walked into the sci fi club office, where I was working on homework, and stated that there weren’t any girls there and that I (at the time thought I was a very butch lesbian) didn’t count. She was right. She came out as a trans woman a week later and I came out as a trans man the following month.

Just because someone outed me to to myself doesn’t mean you should do that. DON’T OUT PEOPLE TO THEMSELVES

Literally just finding out that medical transition was a thing that existed, that’s all it took lol. I had known trans people at various points in my life and often said “I wish I could do that!”, etc. I actually thought they were all just born lucky enough to look how they wanted, nobody ever told me there was stuff you could do about it.

This video about a trans man coming to terms with his masculinity. In the middle he describes how he felt before transitioning and I was the pointing Leonardo DiCaprio meme. Queue month long identity crisis

Text based Internet game, a MUD for those who’ll recognize the term. Logged in for the first time and got asked, “Do you want to be a man or a woman?” and it hit me.

egg_irl broke me after reading 4 posts :D

Plenty of factors, but a big one that steered me head on towards realization was getting increasingly annoyed by what people expect from me for being AMAB.

From there it was only a matter of figuring out where this annoyance came from.

Things like „I’m allowed to like XYZ as a man“ were a good step, but the as a man part is what continued to feel off, so that was one of the final pushes to get to the bottom of it all

Drawing. I used to aspire to be a serious graphic novelist, but that was really hard and really stressful. So I set that aside for a little while and tried drawing hentai instead, since I was always kinda into it. I figured I’d never show any of it to anybody, so I took it less seriously and had more fun with it.

It still feels kinda silly to say, but the experience sorta helped me discover a feminine side I didn’t realize I had, and gave me the space and a medium to explore it. Eventually I tried drawing myself as a woman, and then it was just a matter of accepting that I wanted it to be a reality.

I was developing an online platform and part of that process was to ask questions. And questions about questions. What should I do next? What priorities do I have? Why am I doing this?

One of the reasons was that I felt that I could be myself there. Express myself emotionally, wear dresses and makeup and so on. And that’s when I slowly started to face the fact that I couldn’t also be me in the substrate or irl.

When I told my best friend about how it made me sad she immediately accepted me. That changed our friendship forever, and it became so much easier between us. Like some strong friction had been removed. There was always this strange limiting tension between us.

Ever since then every step has been a discovery that felt like striking gold. On holiday I was going out with makeup and nailpolish and people accepted me. Sure, there were some naysayers but my identity had taken root and going back into the shell just didn’t make any sense any more. I honestly felt that I could take on anything, even death, because that’s what it would feel like to play a role again and sacrifice myself.

I had planned to spend more time finding evidence. But it was all so obvious now. That’s when I came out of the closet in my home town. Yeah I might have had to dodge a car or two but I’m finally alive!

My egg came pre-cracked. I’ve always had a mind-body disconnect, preferred Polly Pocket to Hot Wheels, and had an eye for women’s fashion. When puberty hit, I knew it was the wrong one and hated every second of it. But this was before I knew the word transgender, before it was recognized as a treatable medical condition. And I allowed myself to be told by my church that this was a bad thing and in no way should I ever come out, and I should live the American Dream instead.

The thing that caused me to actually make a move, though, was crippling dysphoria. The crushing weight of it, built up over decades and with no release valve, made me come out to my wife, who was way more supportive than I expected, and slowly I’m getting to express femininity. Coming out this weekend to my family, the future never looked so bright.